


Dead weight

by greysora



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Don't Read This, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 08:28:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17484674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greysora/pseuds/greysora
Summary: Minhyuk leaves so Hyungwon lives.





	Dead weight

**Author's Note:**

> Just a repost

"You can't keep doing this, you can't keep shutting me out." Hyungwon sounded broken. But Minhyuk felt numb, he couldn't bring himself to let the younger man in. He couldn't make him fight his own battle.

 _One he was losing_ , he thought bitterly.

  
The clocked ticked. A sigh. The sound of footsteps walking away.  
  
The blonde knew if he were to open the door then, there would be a tray of untouched food waiting for him.  
Like every other day of the past months.  
  
Slowly, he turned to lie on his back and stare. His eyes were trained on the peeling paint above him but he wasn't seeing, not really.  
  
He had absolutely no clue what time it was. He fell asleep-- did he fall asleep? He  couldn't remember. Maybe for a couple of hours? His body ached restlessly anyways. Hyungwon always came around lunch time so it must have been sometime after 12pm.  
How long had he laid there? Maybe it was three in the afternoon.

Whatever, why did it even matter to him? He barely knew what day it was.

  
Minhyuk flipped over again and faced the window. Some light caught onto his arm. The long scars overlapping each other on his wrist shone. His eyes trailed over them, idly wondering when they grew so much in number. It reminded him of silver strokes splayed carelessly on a canvas. Art.  
  
_Art_ , when was the last time he went to his lectures? His eyes flickered to his messy desk. Where his supplies lay, collecting dust. On the floor besides his desk, was his last drawn piece. Unfinished.  
  
He had ruined it anyways, when he'd squeezed the paint can in his grip. When his breath had come out much more short and desperate as he'd screamed in frustration and flung his brush across the room. He'd been so, so _tired_. Of feeling nothing. Of being empty and hollow.  
  
What he once enjoyed became his hell.  
  
  
Minhyuk wasn't always like this.

He'd once been the loud and bright friend everyone turned to for some pick-me-up time. The flicker of light in my darkest moments, Hyungwon, his love would shyly say. His light hair had suited him, his friends had pointed out in amusement. _Blonde_   _hair like the sunshine_.  
  
That was then. Back then Minhyuk had been happy.  
  
It was hard to tell when it had started. Somewhere at some point months back, he began feeling tired. Not the usual physical tiredness that came with being a college student.  
It was more... mentally and emotionally draining. Jooheon, being his closest friend, was the first to notice.

 

 

  
  
_"Minhyuk are you even listening to me?" He'd snapped, frustrated at the lack of response coming from the blonde._  
  
_"Huh, yeah I-- I'm sorry." The older man had sighed, "I feel tired today."_  
  
_As though reading his face, jooheon had stared at him for a few seconds._  
  
_"You slept for nearly thirteen hours last night though." He'd  frowned. "Are you sure you're just tired?"_  
  
_"I don't--" Minhyuk's shoulders had slumped forward, "I don't know. I feel so drained, Jooheon, I feel_ exhausted _."_  
  
_Jooheon's eyes had widened in alarm, the boy before him had looked very close to tears._  
  
_"Maybe you need a little break? Have you been eating properly? We should go to the beach this weekend, or--"_  
  
_"Jooheon, please." Minhyuk had cut off the man in the middle of his panic, "Maybe I just need some time alone. I'll get going." The younger had nodded, a little on edge. As if Minhyuk would have collapsed on the spot._  
  
_"Call me if, you know, it gets worse. Don't shut me out." He'd softly pleaded as he'd pulled older into a hug_.

 

 

  
Minhyuk had shut him out. He hadn't mean to, it just-- it just happened. Like with the rest of his friends.  
  
Hoseok still came over from time to time and pleaded with Minhyuk to let his friends back in. To see a doctor. To _say_ something. The others had attempted to get to him a number of times too.

Changkyun, the youngest, had broken down into tears as he'd leant on the door. _"Hyung, I miss you. Please speak to me, please._ " 

  
They still dropped by to make sure Hyungwon was taking care of himself at least.

 

Hyungwon. God, Minhyuk felt the worst for his boyfriend.  
Were they still dating? The blonde couldn't even remember their last date, nor their first.  
  
Hyungwon was everything he wasn't.  
Patient, handsome (Minhyuk didnt think he was good-looking) and calm.  
  
On some days, the blonde would wish Hyungwon would _leave_. For his own good. Minhyuk was nothing but dead weight to him. A rusty anchor holding him back. Hyungwon could be so much _better_ if he wasn't constantly fussing over Minhyuk.  
  
They met years back, at an entertainment company. Two teens full of hope and dreams.  
Dreams which came crashing down on them anyways.  
The company had fell into bankruptcy after the CEO had fallen victim to loansharks.  
  
The two had been forced to leave within a week and that was when Hyungwon had tearfully revealed he had nowhere to return to, nowhere to call home. His family had driven him out upon learning he wasn't interested in girls.  
He'd left Gwangju with only a small suitcase and whatever money has been left on his card before his parents cut that off too.  
  
It'd be okay, Minhyuk had told him. His parent's had left him an apartment and they could live together. Hyungwon stubbornly refused at first. Well, as much as he could since Minhyuk had practically packed his bags. He'd reluctantly agreed when the blonde had pulled his best puppy face on him.

  
Fast forward years and they had entered the same university with Hyungwon studying literature and Minhyuk, arts.

  
Somewhere along the way they'd fallen in love.  
Unbeknownst to Hyungwon, Minhyuk had fallen out of love too. Or so he thought. He didn't know, it wasn't clear.  
He couldn't love if he was always feeling  _numb_.

 

 

It wasn't depression.  
He wasn't depressed. He couldn't be, he'd grown up in a loving family that had money. His parents were happily married and his siblings had never spoken harshly with him. He'd been given whatever he'd wanted, he  had always been loved throughout his school years. He'd never been bullied or beaten by anyone, ever. He had a, a boyfriend. Someone to love him.  
  
So how could he be depressed?  
It just didn't make sense.  
  
  
  
With a small grunt, Minhyuk pulled himself up into a seating position. The clock read past midnight. The room was dark, save for the nightlight Changkyun had gifted him. The letter he'd gathered enough energy to write earlier this week sat on his desk, as if taunting him. Daring him to go through with it this time.  
  
And he would.

 

  
  
Minhyuk stood on wobbly legs and slowly made his way to the door after pocketing the letter. A sigh escaped his lips as he pulled it open.

The food tray, as expected, was still there. Like it was almost begging him to eat something. When was the last time he ate? Two or was it three days ago? Whatever.  
  
He picked up the tray and slowly made his way down to the kitchen. Quietly, the blonde placed the tray on a counter and headed to the living room.  
  
The television was left on, he noted as he walked over to the sleeping boy on the couch. Carefully, he draped a blanket over Hyungwon's shoulders. Like he'd done nearly everyday for the past few months.  
  
The taller would wait till late, hoping Minhyuk would come downstairs and just, smile like he used to. Be himself. He'd fall asleep and wake up to a blanket over him in the morning.  
  
Minhyuk traced the unconscious man's face with a finger. His gaze flitted all over Hyungwon's sleeping profile. His signature lips, his small nose. The bags under his eyes had darkened, Minhyuk noticed. The fault was his.  
  
Hyungwon moved under his touch, causing Minhyuk to step back abruptly. The letter in his pocket suddenly felt as though it weighed a ton. He didn't want to wake him up, he couldn't face him or he wouldn't go through with this. But he had to.

  
He had to set Hyungwon free.  
  
Minhyuk drew in a shaky breath as he placed the letter besides Hyungwon's sleeping form. Exhaling slowly, he leaned forward and brushed his lips ever so softly against Hyungwon's forehead.

The clock ticked. A broken whisper of an apology. One last long gaze.

 

 

 

 

  
And Minhyuk was gone.

 

* * *

 

 

 

It's months later when Hyungwon meets Kihyun.  
  
It takes time. But time doesn't heal everything. There's reminders of him everywhere. In other people, in Hyungwon's clothes, in their shared apartment. Some days Hyungwon can't take it. Some days Hyungwon breaks. But Kihyun is there.  
  
It's Kihyun's idea to move, to start anew. Fresh.  
  
Kihyun is sharp yet soft, organized, harsh yet ever so kind. The complete opposite of Minhyuk.  
  
Hyungwon later moves in with him and his roommate, Hyunwoo. A gentle man who's always up for three a.m walks and talks with Hyungwon. Who's always there for Hyungwon to lean on despite their first encounter being awkward.  
  
Weeks later, they're together. Kihyun and him.

 

  
It's Minhyuk's last wish,

 _"I met you and loved you. I was happier then than at any other moment. I hope you don’t get hurt in the future and I wish for beautifulness for you_...

... _Please, let me go._ _The last thing I want to say is, you have to be happy. So please, find your happiness. "_

 

 

 

 

 

  
And he does.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> "I met you and loved you I was happier than at any other moment I hope you don’t get hurt in the future I wish for beautifulness for you..." (Beautiful pain)
> 
> "The last thing I want to say is, you have to be happy." (Minhyuk's cover).


End file.
